Friday, October 30, 2009

Uncritical Thinking

One of the downsides of being unemployed is that any time it looks like someone is interested in hiring you they want you to take tests to check if you're really the business genius you portray in your resume, or if you are, in fact, an intellectual midget with excellent bullshitting skills.

I've taken plenty of tests over the years and I'm fully aware that I'm smart. But everyone has their own preferred tests, and it's not like they give a shit what I scored years ago on the GMAT, or anything else. You're only as smart as the last test you took. The toughest tests are the critical thinking ones, where you have to look at data or information and draw conclusions. These tests involve the application of logic, the ability to manipulate data, numerical reasoning and thinking under time pressure.

There's a reason businesses want to know if you can think and reason logically. It's not like anyone presents the "real" problems of business in a nice clean question form. In reality you have a jumble of information, opinions and data. You have to make decisions, but if you make them too soon you might miss something important, and if you wait too long you risk missing the boat completely. Plus, no-one tells you afterwards if you got it right; you only find that out five years and a hundred million dollars later. Oops.

Wouldn't it be great if people in government were required to pass the same kind of tests. or at least expected to perform with a level of ability something above what might be expected from a garden snail? In fact I'd settle for having them all tattooed with one message: Correlation Does Not Imply Causality. In other words, just because one thing is often found at a higher level when another thing is at a higher level does not mean that the one thing caused the other.

I happened to be reading a news article about school test scores. (It's amazing the lengths to which it is necessary to go in order to fill the non-working day.) The point was being made that test scores were lower in areas that were "poorer", and some genius was making the point that this relative poverty explained why test scores were lower in those areas. This person even asserted that "the economy has a significant impact on students' learning". Really? Do kids get thicker when GDP falls?

The really objectionable thing, coming as it does from someone allegedly involved in education, was the logical leap that because lower incomes are correlated with lower test scores they must be the cause. Not only does this not necessarily follow, but it might actually be more sensible to postulate the opposite - that lower test scores are the cause of poverty.

There was a separate news item a few weeks ago which was bemoaning the lack of employment opportunities for young people in the benighted city of Detroit. It profiled a couple of teenagers who had left school at around 15, having been involved in various illegal or antisocial acts while at school, and now found themselves without any qualifications in a job market where employers have no need to take on unqualified people with a history of crime. They appeared destined for a life of crime and/or poverty, but it's safe to assume that their future economic situation would be a result of their lack of application and success at school.

So did the poverty of their parents cause their poor results, or did their parents' poor results cause their poverty? It's an important distinction because treating the symptom rather than the cause won't result in recovery. Trying to find ways to funnel more of other people's money into the hands of the urban poor in the blind assumption that this will result in higher test scores for their kids and a consequent improvement in their life prospects is a pointless waste of effort. Their kids will still be undisciplined and thick to exactly the same extent that they were beforehand, and having a 50" plasma TV at home won't change that.

This use of poverty to excuse poor educational achievement is dangerous, self-deluding bullshit that lets hundreds of thousands of low-income parents off the hook for their failure to instill standards of behavior in their feckless offspring. People don't do badly at school because they're poor, they're poor because they did badly at school. Over in China there are millions of little kids who exist on a fraction of what is regarded as a "poverty line" income here, and they leave school well-educated and ready to kick Western ass in the economic marketplace.

There is another possibility, of course. It's sometimes said that if we moved the kids from the bad schools to good schools then everything would be OK, but how do schools become "bad" in the first place? Violence, disruption, truancy, drugs and indiscipline are not baked into the walls of the building. The blame can't be laid with teachers, either, although there are for sure some crap ones out there. Schools are bad because the kids are bad. And kids are bad largely because their parents are shit. If a whole bunch of people are lazy, skip school, make crappy choices and refuse to work hard then it stands to reason that they will underachieve financially and eventually become concentrated in "lower income" areas.

So instead of making excuses for them, how about holding the parents accountable, and pointing out that crap schools are the result of crap kids, and not the other way round?


Copyright © 2009 Edward Bison

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

In Praise Of Bacon

One of the side benefits of unemployment is that Mrs Bison and I get to have lunch together a lot more frequently these days. It's a small benefit, I know, when set against loss of salary, healthcare costs and the arse-wrenchingly dull and painful process of networking for a new position, but you have to count the small positives...

Anyway, today's lunch happened to be bacon sandwiches, which, again, doesn't seem like it would be a major cause for celebration, but I've developed a renewed affection for this most satisfying of pig products, and all because of my ex-administrative assistant. I used to be firmly of the opinion that bacon was better in Europe - where we had meaty "Canadian-style" back bacon, versus the US, where bacon was thin, streaky and cooked to the point of being brittle and dry. Then I saw my assistant cooking bacon simply by putting it in the oven, rather than grilling or frying it. The result was just wonderful - that perfect stage between fatty and dry, where the bacon glistens and melts in your mouth.

Mrs Bison has really taken to this bacon thing, to the point where "healthy" turkey bacon has been utterly banished from the refrigerator, replaced by stacks of tasty, pig-flavored delight. The experience of eating it is so good that today she wondered aloud to me if it would be better, for a "last request" to have a bacon sandwich or an orgasm. And, you know what, it's not an easy choice. I'm not sure whether it's a sad comment on my sexual technique or a massive affirmation of the power of bacon, but Mrs B was leaning towards the sandwich. (By the way, I'm going for the "massive affirmation" one, in case you're wondering...)

I'm not over-concerned though. I figured I can make the most of this simply by wrapping my knob in fresh bacon. Everyone wins! Just have to be careful to let it cool after it comes out of the oven, otherwise I'll be on bacon sandwiches for the rest of my life, and I can assure you that no pig's going to taste good enough to take your mind off that.


Copyright © 2009 Edward Bison

Friday, October 9, 2009

I'm All Better Now, Honest

Got a stubborn stain that you need to remove? Tried everything but without success? You need "Sports Fame", the product that's guaranteed to remove any stain from your character, instantly. I know, it sounds too good to be true, but you don't have to take my word for it, just ask any one of our satisfied customers - people who have committed violent, abhorrent or criminal acts and whose characters have been washed clean with the simple application of some Sports Fame.

Take Leonard Little, the St.Louis Rams defensive end - he killed a woman while driving drunk, but thanks to Sports Fame he miraculously avoided serious punishment and was soon back to being cheered as a hero by jerks across the city.

Now, thanks to groundbreaking research, we are pleased to introduce new Sports Fame Plus, offering even faster rehabilitation, with no stubborn lingering character stains. Just ask our spokesperson, Michael Vick. Thanks to Sports Fame Plus he's gone from being an animal-torturing, bankrupt criminal to a cuddly, lovable TV star almost overnight. In fact Black Entertainment Television is now filming an eight-part miniseries about Michael, his fall from grace and his wonderful redemption and transformation into a Humane Society supporting, family-loving role model.


Excuse me a moment while I puke. Hands up if you're stupid enough to fall for Vick's "I'm so sorry - I'm a new man now, just pass me a puppy to pet" act. As a spoiled football player he was raking in millions for running around with a ball in his hand, but he chose to play "Big Man In The Hood" and run a dog-fighting ring with a bunch of low-grade scum. Having been caught he was faced with a simple choice - fade into penniless obscurity as a hated moron with no useful career skills, or kiss as much public ass as possible in the hope of getting reinstated and raking in more millions. Which one did he choose? Let me think about that for a minute...

I can't believe the animal rights brigade actually bought his bullshit. You conduct experiments on animals in the hope of finding a cure for ALS and you'll get your house firebombed, but torture dogs to death as part of some ghetto fun-time amusement and it's all "Wow, good old Michael, hasn't he changed!"

Poor old Phillip Garrido. Yes, I know he kidnapped a young girl, repeatedly raped her and fathered two children with her, keeping her trapped in back-yard squalor, but his big mistake, clearly, was not choosing a career in football. If he had he'd be on Oprah, apologizing for having let down the fans, and hoping for the league to reinstate him, prior to publishing a book. Obviously BET wouldn't be interested in televising his story because he isn't black, but I'm sure he'd find someone.

Just goes to show - a normal person commits a vile act and they can expect to be ostracized and vilified, but a sports personality (or any other famous person, come to that) does it and they're to be "understood, rehabilitated and given another chance".

So, good news for Roman Polanski then. Who'd have thought that drugging, raping and sodomizing a 13 year-old girl, and then running away before sentencing, would have the film and arts world rallying around you as a "victim" of malicious prosecution? Maybe Phillip Garrido should have been a Hollywood film director. They were right in school when they told us how important our career choices could be for us later in life...


Copyright © 2009 Edward Bisom