Kill Me Now Catalog
Today the mail brought with it a horrific surprise for Mrs Bison. Mixed in with the bills, statements and assorted credit card offers was a free catalog addressed to her personally; it was a clothing catalog, just 64 pages long and only 8 x 11 inches per page, but the message it delivered was profound and unmistakable:
YOU ARE A FRUMPY OLD BITCH AND YOUR LIFE IS OVER
It was one of those catalogs that is filled with sensible ladies' clothing, with a heavy emphasis on seasonal knitwear, slacks that hide your shape, clogs and patterned cardigans. There were sweaters with flowers, sweaters with animals and sweaters with Christmas designs. In case you needed to drive home the seasonal theme there was even a pair of Rudolph The Fucking Red Nosed Reindeer earrings.
Poor Mrs Bison. For the life of her she couldn't figure out what she'd done to bring this monstrosity down upon herself. These catalog people obviously try to target their audience, so was this just a case of "You're a woman older than 40 so you now need to dress like a comedy fifties housewife"? Or was there something in her previous pattern of purchases that had flagged her profile and brought her to the attention of the Seasonal Attire Mafia?
Mrs Bison isn't what you'd call a fashion victim. She's doesn't abandon everything she bought because "it was last season's outfit". Nevertheless she keeps up with style changes and refuses to dress like an old bag, a direction made easier by Bison Daughter's strident shopping opinions, forcefully delivered any time she sees her mother about to buy something "lame" or "unfashionable".
It's not as though we even buy shit from catalogs. I don't know how anyone buys clothes from catalogs - a simple trip to the store to buy a pair of jeans in the same style as I bought a year ago is enough to convince me that I should never attempt catalog shopping. The same jeans that were "comfortable, bordering on the loose" last year are now "tight enough to cause restricted blood flow to the testicles" today. Or the manufacturer whose XXL shirt was a perfect fit last week now has a new style, and, guess what, the XXL covers my arse like a dress. My success rate trying on clothing in a store is less than 5% - if I bought everything that looked good in a catalog I'd spend my entire fucking week at the post office returning shit that didn't fit.
No, the point is that someone thinks that if we were the sort of people who bought clothing from a catalog we would be buying snowflake sweaters for the winter. And my wife would be wearing seamless high-waist briefs as an accompaniment. (I swear there isn't a man alive who could maintain a viable erection upon lifting his wife's skirt and discovering those.)
Whatever happened to the kind of catalogs that had pretty women in fabulous, sexy underwear plastered across eight pages? Why aren't they sending us any of them? It's a conspiracy, I tell you. The fifty-something Pod Women are determined to reprogram your wife and lure her to the dark side of comfy seasonal knitwear and thermal undergarments. Well fuck 'em. You're never too old to say no to snowman sweaters and reversible quilted jackets...
Copyright © 2009 Edward Bison
YOU ARE A FRUMPY OLD BITCH AND YOUR LIFE IS OVER
It was one of those catalogs that is filled with sensible ladies' clothing, with a heavy emphasis on seasonal knitwear, slacks that hide your shape, clogs and patterned cardigans. There were sweaters with flowers, sweaters with animals and sweaters with Christmas designs. In case you needed to drive home the seasonal theme there was even a pair of Rudolph The Fucking Red Nosed Reindeer earrings.
Poor Mrs Bison. For the life of her she couldn't figure out what she'd done to bring this monstrosity down upon herself. These catalog people obviously try to target their audience, so was this just a case of "You're a woman older than 40 so you now need to dress like a comedy fifties housewife"? Or was there something in her previous pattern of purchases that had flagged her profile and brought her to the attention of the Seasonal Attire Mafia?
Mrs Bison isn't what you'd call a fashion victim. She's doesn't abandon everything she bought because "it was last season's outfit". Nevertheless she keeps up with style changes and refuses to dress like an old bag, a direction made easier by Bison Daughter's strident shopping opinions, forcefully delivered any time she sees her mother about to buy something "lame" or "unfashionable".
It's not as though we even buy shit from catalogs. I don't know how anyone buys clothes from catalogs - a simple trip to the store to buy a pair of jeans in the same style as I bought a year ago is enough to convince me that I should never attempt catalog shopping. The same jeans that were "comfortable, bordering on the loose" last year are now "tight enough to cause restricted blood flow to the testicles" today. Or the manufacturer whose XXL shirt was a perfect fit last week now has a new style, and, guess what, the XXL covers my arse like a dress. My success rate trying on clothing in a store is less than 5% - if I bought everything that looked good in a catalog I'd spend my entire fucking week at the post office returning shit that didn't fit.
No, the point is that someone thinks that if we were the sort of people who bought clothing from a catalog we would be buying snowflake sweaters for the winter. And my wife would be wearing seamless high-waist briefs as an accompaniment. (I swear there isn't a man alive who could maintain a viable erection upon lifting his wife's skirt and discovering those.)
Whatever happened to the kind of catalogs that had pretty women in fabulous, sexy underwear plastered across eight pages? Why aren't they sending us any of them? It's a conspiracy, I tell you. The fifty-something Pod Women are determined to reprogram your wife and lure her to the dark side of comfy seasonal knitwear and thermal undergarments. Well fuck 'em. You're never too old to say no to snowman sweaters and reversible quilted jackets...
Copyright © 2009 Edward Bison
posted by Mr Bison at
6:18 PM
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