It's Airline Rules Silly Season Again...

I read with dismay the details of the latest attempt by a self-proclaimed al-Quaida terrorist to bring down a US-bound airliner. My dismay does not arise, however, from the fear that I will become the victim of another such atrocity, but from the sure and certain knowledge that this incident will precipitate another round of bizarre, pointless and irritating "additional security measures" from the brainless pricks at the TSA and the airlines.

This Nigerian wanker had not even been charged and there were already reports of important new measures being introduced to ensure our greater security in the air, among them:

• Passengers to be confined to their seats for an hour prior to landing.
  
• Passengers to be forbidden from having anything on their laps (such as, for instance, a laptop)
  
• Passengers to be discouraged from bringing on any carry-on bags
  
• Passengers to be prevented from accessing their carry-on bags during the flight
  

Now I would like to point out that the felon in this case had a bomb strapped to his leg, which he apparently attempted to detonate when the plane was coming in to land. It wasn't in his carry-on, or on his lap. He didn't get up and get it out of his bag - it was strapped to his fucking leg from the moment he got on the plane. The salient point here is that someone managed to get explosives through security because security is designed not to detect explosives but to prevent you from taking nail clippers, shampoo or bottles of water onto the flight.

Yeah, if Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab had attempted to smuggle any shaving cream onto the plane then he'd have been in big shit, but it was only explosives, so he was OK.

So yet again the TSA, in a belated attempt to be seen to be doing something (anything) responds to a problem with a set of entirely unrelated measures, certain that the renewed misery and inconvenience visited upon the traveling public will be interpreted as a sign of vigilance, and that no-one's complaints will even be considered because this is "an issue of airline security". In other words, a reason to suspend common sense and all join in the pathetic charade of lining up and allowing ourselves to be treated like shit.

For a start, what is the point of confining people to their seats for the last hour of the flight? Surely that just means that any future explosion will be attempted while the plane is still at 30,000ft. Do you really believe that will cause al-Quaida to think again? "Oh shit! We can't blow up any more planes because we have to sit in our seats prior to landing. Confound these infidels and their regulatory trickery!"

Did anyone bother to note that theft from checked bags in airports has reached endemic levels? Did you know that it is reported to be up 50% in 2009? It is not safe to check ANY item of value because of the hard to detect and, (thanks to their union) impossible to fire, criminals who infiltrate the ranks of baggage screeners and TSA officials. So if you can't carry on a bag and are forced to check it, who stands behind you when (not "if", you will note) your valuables are stolen? Not the airline, that's for sure; they will quote their terms of carriage, disavow any liability and leave you on your own to file a report with the airport police and kiss your possessions goodbye forever. (See WSJ article HERE.)

So if you can't carry anything onto the plane because it's a "security risk" and you can't check it because there are so many organized thieves in baggage handling and "we cannot be responsible for any losses" what fucking use is an airplane ride? The TSA even boasts that their rules are not consistent, as they are designed to confuse potential terrorists. Really? Seems like they're designed to piss off travelers and yet again provide the pretense of action in the face of political paralysis.

Anyone notice that the screeners at O'Hare used to demand that you put your shoes directly on the belt? If you put them in a tray they would make you take them out. Until last week, when suddenly, for no accountable reason, trays were OK again, just like they are at every other fucking airport. If you couldn't x-ray shoes through a tray I could understand the issue, but that can't be the case, otherwise every other airport in the world wouldn't be wasting their time making us take off our shoes and put them in a tray, would they? So if there's absolutely no security value, why can't they at least be consistent, and sensible?

Don't waste time stopping frequent fliers from accessing their laptops during a flight, and don't prevent people from taking a piss for an hour before landing. It is an insult to our intelligence when I see people in loose-fitting clothing, or apparently obese people, waltzing through security with enough room on their person to conceal any number of bombs, and no-one is taking the time to pat them down. How about starting with anyone in a hijab? Fuck their human rights - why should their right to dress funny trump our right to live. It's not like there's any debate that al-Quaida is an Islamic terrorist organization is there?

If this Nigerian twat smuggled a powder-based bomb through security under his clothing then come up with something to address the real threat, like explosive detection, or pat-downs of all people on a terrorist watch-list, and not a knee-jerk set of pointless rules in a pathetic attempt to divert our attention and make all the sheep believe that "something is being done".

I won't be holding my breath. I just plan to show up at the airport next week in a Speedo. "Is that an explosive device, sir, or are you just pleased to see me?"


Copyright © 2009 Edward Bison

It Will Rub The Lotion In Its Laundry

In case anyone wondered if I'd just died, my apparent absence has not been the result of my untimely demise, but instead has been caused by a new job, and the consequent need to move to Chicago. I mentioned a while back that I needed to find a new job, but that I didn't intend to make my job search the subject of a running journal ("Chronicles of an Executive in Transition") or anything wanky like that. So I've been silent on progress and activity.

Now that I have a new position I can reveal to anyone who gives a shit that job hunting is a soul-destroying, miserable pain in the rectum. It tends to become such a complete focus of your life that even when you're not actually engaged in it you tend to forget about anything else (or at least I did) and for that reason it didn't seem like I had much else to write about. Humorous situation observed? Who cares, I'm unemployed. Read an interesting article, could write a funny observation on it? Couldn't give a shit, I'm still unemployed. Why write a blog? Go and find yourself a fucking job.

Well, now that I'm in the middle of all the "new job, find apartment, sell house, buy house, explore new city" bullshit I have plenty of stuff to fuel my writing, but precious little time that I'm inclined to devote to it. Suffice it to say that I have located a temporary apartment and am now experiencing all the joys and misery of living around other people. And I can also reveal to anyone who gives a shit that living around other people is a soul-destroying, miserable pain in the rectum.

It does have its moments of levity, however. The other night is was down in the apartment building laundry room, attempting to decipher the instructions on the washers and dryers so that I could deal with two weeks worth of assorted undergarments and other clothing detritus. It was apparent that you needed to put money on a laundry card, but not at all apparent where said card could be obtained. At this point an attractive blonde girl entered the laundry room and approached the dryer next to me.

Now I don't know about you, but when a pretty young girl comes into a lonely and remote laundry room, and I, 230 lbs of scary male, am the only other occupant, I naturally assume that she's sizing me up as a potential rapist or sex criminal, and so I'm very careful not to do anything that could be construed as rapy, threatening or just plain weird. Standing there staring at an empty dryer, with no washing in my hands and clad in black hooded sweatshirt and black jacket like a target from America's Most Wanted, already put me dangerously close to the "weird" category, though, so I figured I'd better ask her where you get a laundry card.

"They give you one when you move in" she replied.

Great, now she assumes I don't even live here, but that I've somehow sneaked into the building to prey on lone females in the laundry room, chatting them up with stupid laundry card questions to which anyone who actually lived there would already know the answer. (Thanks, apartment rental company, for not giving me either a card or instructions on the fucking laundry.)

At this point she hurriedly opened her dryer, and a pair of her white underwear fell out into the floor between us. And there, on the gusset, was a huge, brown mark. I could immediately sense the shift in priorities. "I don't care if he's a rapist, my gusset-mark is on display. I must retrieve the situation quickly." She bent down and grabbed the offending underwear, while I made my excuses and left.

Over the road was a wonderful little laundry where a friendly Korean woman took my clothes and, for the princely sum of $8.50, will have them clean and folded for me on Monday. And, what's more, she didn't once look at me as though I were a sex criminal. Fuck the laundry room - I'm going there from now on.


Copyright © 2009 Edward Bison