In case you're wondering, I'm an intelligent, unsophisticated male with a good job and the usual array of unhealthy appetites.

I spend significant amounts of my waking hours resisting the temptation to tell people what I really think. I can barely tell red wine from white, so don't bother explaining how the bouquet contains hints of blackberry and cat urine.

I believe that there is something very wrong with any man who doesn't like occasional porn.

I travel a lot and have learned that there are more assholes per square foot in airports than almost any other place on earth (exceptions include the studio where they film Oprah).

I grew up in England but I now live in the States and have no intention of going back, thank you very much.

If you look in my bathroom you'll find toothpaste and shaving cream. No skin lotions, unguents, mousses or any of that crap, which is as it should be.

I believe daytime TV is for the utterly brain-dead, having a good lawn does not mark you out as a superior human being and taking Lipitor doesn't mean you can make that seventh trip through the buffet line, lardboy. I know that cell phone company employees would sooner eat their own young than make customers happy.

I hate standing in line and game shows. I think hell would involve standing in line to watch a game show, listening to hip-hop and probably eating rice pudding.

I like rock music, American football, sushi, lifting weights, naked women, flying business class, single malt Scotch, Indian food, English breakfasts, quiet hotel rooms, having a laugh, snakes at the zoo, Quadrophenia, cream soda and cactus plants.

Welcome to my world!