Crap No-one Needs, #3

Oprah Winfrey

Living proof that no-one ever lost money underestimating the intelligence of the American public, this inane cow attracts obscene amounts of cash from legions of stupid and vacuous people. Oprah.com is your "destination site for advice on love, life and relationships." Blah blah blah wanky bollocks. If you need advice on life from the kind of woman who periodically blows up to three hundred pounds on a junk food binge then go right ahead.

The secret of Oprah's success is preying on the inadequacies of a large section of society that needs to be told what to eat, wear and read, how to make love, who to date and what stupid fall decorating tips to employ in their crappy house. Why take the trouble to have a life when you can buy a glossy magazine filled with pictures of the life you should be having? Don't leave home without it - how will you know what to think? "I can't watch this movie / read this book / hold this opinion because Oprah didn't tell me to."

If you go and read the "Thought For The Day" on her crappy site you'll notice that it's covered with ads. The logic is simple: Oprah fans are sheep and will do whatever the bitch tells them, so retailers will shovel baskets of cash at this pied piper of the brain-dead so they can hitch a ride on the dumbass express. Join now and get a free frontal lobotomy!


Copyright 2007 Edward Bison

Crap No-one Needs, #2

Shower Caps

Why is it that about the only thing you can absolutely count on having in your hotel room is a shower cap? I spend a lot of time in hotels and I know if I listed the things that would enhance the experience for me shower caps wouldn't be anywhere on the list. I'd take toothpaste and shaving cream, for one, so that I didn't have to do the stupid plastic bag shit at airport security. A few good candy bars and snacks would be nice, for when I got the munchies in the middle of the night. Towels big enough to dry more than one buttock at a time. Pillows that didn't look like an elephant just sat on them, and smell like it too. And an alarm that didn't need a degree in systems engineering just to set a wake-up time.

But no matter how shit the rest of the room's accessories you can be sure that in the bathroom, in a little cardboard box, is a shower cap. Why? What kind of person actually uses a shower cap? Presumably someone who doesn't want to wash their hair, which is to say a dirty person. Why are hotels catering to dirty people? That is the same head which ended up on my pillow, which probably explains why it smells like a pachyderm's sphincter. The only possible use that I could conceive would be to make water bombs to drop out of the hotel window onto people waiting for cabs, but since hotels don't typically have windows that open even this trivial purpose is negated. Ergo shower caps are completely pointless. Now that we've cleared that up, I'm calling reception about this pillow.


Copyright 2007 Edward Bison

Crap No-one Needs, #1

Oust Air Sanitizer

With their relentless commercials, full of irritating women pointing out that Oust is the only air sanitizer, this product easily earns its way onto the crap list. Why does anyone need to sanitize air? If the air in your house smells bad, maybe you should take a look at the cat litter tray, or change the bed, or maybe even stop farting. What must you be doing if the air is so bad you actually need to sanitize it? Do you have bodies concealed in the crawl space or something?

This is one of those products where they had to invent the need and then sell it to armies of dumb people. Fortunately for Oust, dumb people are not a limited commodity, otherwise their market would be restricted to serial killers, inhabitants of crack houses and those strange people who live with a hundred cats and have trash on the floor. Do you fit one of these demographics? Probably not, so you can give this crap product a miss.

Copyright 2007 Edward Bison

Emmys Are Shit

Thank fuck for football, that's all I can say. I can't believe that any network would dedicate an evening to the Emmys, but that's what Fox has done tonight. Does anyone actually watch that crap? I would pay money not to have to watch a bunch of self-important TV celebrity windbags pat each other on the back in an orgy of mutual congratulation. "Oh, she was so wonderful in that. What a lovely dress." Blah blah blah bollocks. Putting it on opposite Extreme Makeover Home Edition, though, is like giving you a choice between circumcision and colostomy. Just form an orderly line...

The scary thing is not so much that people enjoy the Emmys; it's that people who enjoy the Emmys are allowed to vote. And move about the community at will. Personally I'd want them doped up and under observation at a minimum, preferably in some other state. How about California? I think they'd like it there...

Copyright 2007 Edward Bison

Bison Shop Opening

COMING SOON!

You too will shortly be able to purchase the Mr.Bison merchandise you always dreamed of. If you've been lying awake at night worrying about when you would be able to get a Mr.Bison T-shirt then worry no more.

In conjunction with Spreadshirt there will be an exclusive range of Bison shit available in the next few days. You'll love it. Possibly.

More to come when it launches, but until then start saving those pennies and you can be the first on your block, in your city, or probably in your country to be seen in Bison-wear. And it's not just T-shirts either. That thing in the picture is a mouse-pad; how cool would that be on your desk at work?

(No, this is not a joke. I bought some stuff already...)

Bitch At The Wheel

On the way in to work this morning I was on a road with two lanes in each direction and I had to pull out because some giant bus was stopped in my lane. There was half a gap alongside me but this being St.Louis, as soon as I indicated to pull over a festering bitch in a black BMW quickly pulled up to close the gap and stop me.

This petty shit seems to be particularly prevalent in St.Louis, and seems mostly to be the province of middle-aged women and old men. Maybe normal blokes don't do it without provocation because they mostly abide by the rule "Don't do anything while protected in a car that you wouldn't do face to face with nowhere to run." This seems to me a pretty good rule to live by.

In the meantime I'd propose a constitutional amendment guaranteeing your right to pull over twats that do this sort of thing, break their window and piss in their leather seats. It's no more than any reasonable society should expect.

Heavy Boots

For Sale: Deep sea diver's boots.
In these anxious days for men across the US, you can't even tap your foot in the stall of a public toilet without someone in the next cubicle interpreting is as a request for deviant arse sex. Now you can ensure that you never unintentionally send out a signal that you want your rectum invaded. Just put on this pair of lead-weighted diver's boots and there is no risk of accidental foot tapping. Also protects against arrest if you're a committed religious politician who didn't mean to ask for public buggery. Honest officer.

No liability accepted in the event that someone attempts to bugger you anyway and your boots are too heavy for you to run away.

Copyright 2007 Edward Bison