Off The Ranch

Now that summer is beginning to rear its head in St.Louis we're embarking on the salad season. This is characterized by many healthy green leaves suddenly showing up on my plate, possibly with bits of tomato, cucumber and other fibrous materials. The time-honored reaction of any right-thinking man is as follows:

1. Add large amounts of protein (i.e. meat)
   
2. Cover whole thing in high-fat dressing, to add flavor
   

Mrs Bison thoughtfully purchased this onion-flavored dressing which is so good that if you spread it on a turd you could probably pass it off as a savory tubular appetizer. Salads hold no fear for me now.

What I don't understand is the widespread fascination with Ranch dressing. Given all the wonderful sweet, spicy, mustardy, oniony flavors that could be bottled and spread on lettuce, why would you choose an insipid creamy emission that resembles noting so much as concentrated jizz? It's sperm donation in condiment form. Call me old-fashioned but you have to go a long way to beat Heinz salad cream, and the fact that they don't sell it here is no excuse for substituting a bottle of man-mess.