Color Me Unimpressed

Am I the only person to wonder where the fuck Barack fucking Obama came from? He was only elected to the Senate in 2004. How many junior senators with about one year's experience have their party practically coming in their pants to put them forward as a presidential candidate? I don't know about you but I might be inclined to see if he could do the fucking job he was just elected to before deciding he earned the right to become Mr.Big.

Let's get this straight - if Obama was a white bloke with the same credentials no-one in his party would have given him a second look. He'd still be kissing party arse, sucking corporate dick for campaign contributions and waiting his turn. But some presentable black bloke shows up and it's suddenly "Yeah! Make way! Obama for President!" Clearly they're looking to move quickly, presumably before the fact that he's a useless wanker becomes evident, or at least before he needs to take a position on anything controversial.

What a fitting legacy to MLK - the US is so fawningly "color blind" that it is now just as willing to elect a President purely for being black as it is to acquit that murdering shitbag OJ for exactly the same reason.

Dumb Fuck Du Jour

One of my colleagues just got a call from American Express about a suspicious charge on her corporate credit card. It took her a while to figure this out because the caller had an extremely strong Indian accent and had to resort to spelling the critical word "tattoo" in the name of the establishment where the questionable charge had occurred.

Since tattoos are seldom classified as a valid business expense it didn't take her long to figure out that someone had, in fact, ripped off her card. She checked the charges on her account via the web (wonderful thing the internet) and discovered a string of fraudulent charges, all in the same small town, a town where we happen to have a manufacturing operation.

It shouldn't take too long to track down the culprit, however, since they paid their personal property tax using the ripped off card number. My first reaction was that this was a spectacularly stupid thief, although I have to wonder whether they are just working the very real odds that the card company will do fuck all about the theft. Not only do they not insist on the most basic precautions when paying (checking signature, checking ID, or checking that the card with the woman's name is not being presented by a large, hairy bloke) but they can't be bothered to follow up on most cases of fraud so the perpetrators get away with it. I can't help thinking, however, that this particular thief might have been better off buying a flat screen TV and selling it down the pub to finance their property tax rather than leaving a fucking great electronic sign over their house saying "Thief Lives Here".

Hopefully they'll be feeling their cellmate's warm rectal embrace in the very near future...


Copyright © 2008 Edward Bison

Fucked Up

Wouldn't you love to have the kind of job where no matter how badly you fucked up, how collossal a disaster you presided over or how much money you lost your company, you would be welcomed with open arms (and wallets) by other companies? Alcoa has just appointed Stan O'Neal, the ex-Merrill Lynch CEO to its board, in spite of the fact that he had to resign after Merrill lost billions of dollars on his watch.

You appoint board members for their insight and good governance. What better way to demonstrate that you lack insight and the ability to exercise prudent oversight than to lose more than two billion dollars?

"Stan is a straightforward leader who focused on improving the operations of the business during his tenure at Merrill as part of his broader strategic vision for the firm," according to Alcoa's chairman and CEO Alain Belda. What the fuck? Did his strategic vision include pissing away billions of dollars in loans that could not be repaid? How much improvement in operations can you have achieved when you lose two billion??

How about "Stan fucked up bigtime at Merrill but we'd rather hire a proven failure than someone with a track record of success. Plus he's black, and that always looks good in our diversity statistics." And all this after he got $161 million in payouts from Merrill to leave. Don't you wish you could screw up as successfully?

Fucking wankers.

Something Fishy

Have you ever noticed how those people who are most keen to show off their religious beliefs, whether it be through badges, bumper stickers or weird comments, are the ones you'd most like to see burn in hell? My own personal favorite is the person with the fish symbol on the back of their car, whose monotheistic belief system obviously gives them the inalienable right to drive like a cunt.

There was one today, doing its best to cut me off so it could gain one whole position in a line of traffic that was moving perfectly well. On the back was not one fish symbol but four, two large and two small, obviously signifying the family structure of this most holy of people. Frankly, if you need to put a fucking fish on your car so that I can tell you're a Christian then don't fucking bother. Round here religion is just a big social club anyway, a way for family-minded people to get together, and it doesn't appear to intrude on people's other life choices except in their determination to buy "Choose Life" bumper stickers and those sodding fish.

If you want to risk your life my driving like an arse please go ahead; I don't care. But if life is so sacred to you that you feel the need to display your views on seven bumper stickers then fucking drive like you mean it. Just because you're in a a hurry to meet your God face to face doesn't mean I'm keen to join you so keep your distance. Fish wanker.

Doesn't Matter Y

Want to know what gets on my tits? A certain type of spoiled little rich kid Generation Y brat with their "we're so much more multi-tasking than you ever were" bullshit. New technology has provided YouTube so they can post videos of themselves, Flickr so they can upload photos of themselves, Twitter so they can instantly send updates on whatever meaningless shit they're doing, social networking sites so they can contact other self-absorbed fuckwits, and all the e-mail, blog and website outlets they could possibly want. Never mind that lots of "older" people use these things too; clearly Generation Y is "special" and no-one older could be as "switched on" as them, right?

And what is the output of all this multi-tasking, may I ask? Fucking nothing. Never has any generation spent so much time in contemplation of its own metaphorical arsehole. Here's a newsflash: multi-tasking is about accomplishing multiple tasks in parallel; what the fuck have you accomplished, other than proving that anyone who uses the term "social media" in a sentence without irony has less brain cells than the average cauliflower? What these new tools have allowed you to do is not multi-tasking but multi-talking, the endless and pointless interaction of the mindless.

By all means spend your time on these things; after all, Daddy worked hard so that you could. Or maybe Grandpa did. Just remember when someone asks what you're doing, the correct response is "Just fucking about on the computer again".

Spelling Test

Bison daughter is doing some sort of spelling challenge at school. She has a long list of words to learn and Mrs.Bison is testing her:
"Necessary."
"N-E-C-E-S-S-A-R-Y"
"Very good. Nutritious."
"N-U-T-R-I-T-I-O-U-S"
"Good."
I, meanwhile, am anticipating a delightful afternoon watching football on TV.
"There are two excellent games on today," I point out.
Mrs.Bison hates football and all things associated with it. She will go out instead since Bison daughter has a party to attend.
"You should come and watch football with me - spend some quality husband time." I suggest, cheerfully.
"That's not quality time," my spouse protests.
"Sure it is - you should learn to take pleasure in the things that give me pleasure."
"Bollocks!"
"B-O-L-L-O-C-K-S" comes the voice of Bison daughter. I don't believe that word was on her list...

Maybe I'll Just Take An Umbrella...

Do you remember kagouls? I don't know about the US but back in the UK they were thin water-resistant outerwear that folded up into a small pouch. They came in naff primary colors and were worn by ramblers, sad bastards and the children of parents who enjoyed inflicting emotional abuse on their offspring.

Today I mentioned them in an article I was writing. (Yes, someone asked me to write one, but only so long as I didn't say "fuck" or "cunt") but I wasn't 100% sure about the spelling (why learn to spell something in which you would not be caught dead?) So I did what anyone would do - I typed it into Google search in the expectation that it would prompt me if I had the spelling wrong. Apparently I was correct, but in the process I learned that kagoul.com is a non-sexual, on-line community of gay men. Here's a sample:

"....and I mean a really heated argument between myself and 3 of my gay friends because I am really attracted to ginger/red haired guys (and also greys). At first it started off as just general banter but then I got really annoyed (not my usual self) that my taste in guys was being ridiculed. Now, I've had guys in my life that were blonde, black, brown, ginger and even grey (I am now), but the argument was ridiculous. For instance: 'I couldn't go down on a guy that was ginger'. I was gobsmacked."

What would my parents think? All those years they forced us kids to wear blue kagouls when we went out in the rain and little did they know that the kagoul was an icon of the alternative lifestyle. My only question is why? What is it about the humble kagoul that gave it such status in the gay community? Answers on a postcard please...


Copyright ©: 2008 Edward Bison

Carbon Footprint Up Your Arse

New Year's Resolutions are already the domain of the sad but I actually saw one today where the writer made reference to "reducing their carbon footprint". Paying any attention whatsoever to the irritating witterings of festering dicks like Al Gore is a sure sign that you are a complete wanker. Deciding to reduce your carbon footprint marks you out as a Class A, 100%, 24 carat, fully-formed, state-of-the-art, USDA approved, 8-cylinder, air-conditioned, blue ribbon, guaranteed, Double-D, colossal fucking wanker.

It's all utter bollocks, based on bullshit science, fed to the educationally subnormal and genetically gullible by legions of media poofs and an industry of "climate change crisis promoters" living off grants and other people's money.

If you ever find yourself worrying about your carbon footprint, go and look in the mirror. See that? Complete cunt.


Copyright © 2008 Edward Bison