Crap No-one Needs, #18

The Horse Fucker

Ever had one of those days where you wonder whether your life just reached rock bottom? Well here's a guy who can help redefine "rock bottom" and recalibrate your life for you.

The story HERE concerns a bloke who has just been arrested for the second time in South Carolina for shagging a horse. Not only is he a horse fucker, but he was caught having sex with the same horse he fucked last year. Here's a wild idea: there are a lot of horses out there, so why not change it up a bit and try a different one? Or maybe one whose owner isn't already sensitized to the fact that some freak weirdo wants to play backdoor jockey with her animal?

There are so many levels on which this is fucked up, but perhaps the most telling is that the woman was tipped off to the attack by the fact that her horse was "acting strange and getting infections again". Now that's bad. You fuck a horse and it's the horse that gets infected. How disgusting a diseased specimen must you be to pull that off?

If they ever want to make a juvenile education movie in South Carolina to encourage teenagers to eschew a life of crime and stay on the straight and narrow, they could do worse than to use this bloke. I would imagine the prospect of waking up every day for five years with this freak as your cellmate would be enough to scare you straight, wouldn't it?

"OK buddy, now bend over and whinny like a pony. Oh yeah!"

Crap No-one Needs, #17

Eyelash Lengthening Drugs

In another milestone on the downward slope of Western civilization, you can now have your doctor prescribe an FDA-approved medication to make your eyelashes longer. Never mind about all the other challenges facing medical science today, at least vacuous bitches with faces paralyzed from Botox will now be able to obtain life-enhancing lash improvement through a drug called Latisse - what a tribute to our medical establishment.

Not only is this a damning indictment of the FDA, who frankly should have told the manufacturers to fuck off at the mere suggestion that they license a drug for no better reason than to make eyelashes longer, but it speaks volumes about the abject vanity and pettiness of so many women. What kind of mindless cow would seriously consider drugs for cosmetic eyelash lengthening? At what point does your life become so shallow that this becomes a priority for you?

And don't give me that old bollocks about women being the victims of the expectations of men. The average man wouldn't notice if his wife or girlfriend had their hair completely restyled. There is no fucking way they're going to notice 25% longer eyelashes. Here's a hint ladies: if your bloke comes home and compliments you on your eyelashes, chances are he really wants to have sex with other men. Strange men aren't going to check out your eyelashes - they'll go tits-arse-legs-face in various orders, and that will be that.

No, this is all about what women expect of each other, and the mindless perpetuation of airbrushed unreality in endless women's magazines. This eyelash crap is supposed to cost $120 a month; if you have $1,500 a year to spend on your eyelashes then you have more money than sense. About $1,500 more money, to be exact.