Category Archives: Rants

Sorry I’m Not Dead Yet

I would like to apologize on behalf of men everywhere for not dying sooner. You see, according to USA Today, men are at fault again for having the temerity to live longer than they should.

Let me explain. Yesterday I saw the headline in USA Today: WOMEN LAG IN LIFE-SPAN GAINS. The article went on to point out that over the twenty years from 1989 to 2009 men’s life expectancy increased by 4.6 years on average, while women’s went up only by 2.7 years. Open and shut case, surely – yet again our male-dominated society discriminates against women by depriving them of extra life.

Well, not really. You see, even after this increase in male life expectancy, men were reported in this same article to die on average at 76.2 years, versus 81.3 for women. In other words, men die on average FIVE YEARS earlier than women. Back in 1989 it was SEVEN YEARS.

The USA Today article went on to point out the areas where women were at a disadvantage to men, and where presumably we needed to make more investments to “redress the balance”. Women, for instance “aren’t as encouraged by their doctors to get medication to ward off heart disease”. So the conclusion of this article could be summed up as follows:

Men now die on average five years earlier than women rather than seven years earlier, so we need to work harder on women’s health so that men can die seven years earlier again.

I despair of our society if this is the standard of journalism today. My only question is whether this ridiculous article is the result of an inbuilt liberal bias that anything that appears to benefit men more than women must inherently be unfair, and must therefore be criticized, or whether journalists are so poorly educated and incapable of simple critical reasoning and questioning that they don’t know how to draw pertinent conclusions from basic data.

If the situation were reversed you can bet the headline would have been something like “POOR PROGRESS IN WOMEN’S HEALTH”, with the article lambasting the health industry for not making more progress to equalize life expectancy between the sexes. If you’re male these days you really are damned either way.

Still, had the (unsurprisingly female) writer of this pathetic piece wanted to dig a little deeper, beyond the knee-jerk “unfair to women” thesis, she might have asked some more interesting questions:

Why do men die so much earlier than women? Are men destined to die earlier, or have we just become accustomed to this norm, so that we no longer question it? Is the difference connected to the difference in typical lifestyle? Did fifty years of hard manual labor, or serving in military combat, or the high stress of management, underlie men’s earlier demise?

You might hypothesize that there had to be a reason that men died so much earlier, and that it could very well be related to what they did. Men used to do most of the hard manual work. They fought and died in wars. They dealt with most of the heart attack inducing work stress. They wore themselves out and died sooner. But times are changing – for a start there is much less manual work, and women make up a far greater proportion of the workforce. As women do more of what men used to do you might expect that they would start to have a similar life expectancy. Of course these women are not the majority, so the seven year life expectancy gap hasn’t been erased overnight.

Another pertinent point is that you can only measure life expectancy after people die. So people who died in 2009 were (on average) born in the 1930s. They grew up in the war years, and worked during the 1950s, 60s and 70s. During this period the shifts in employment patterns above hadn’t really taken hold. We still built cars by hand, and fat businessmen smoked in the workplace. If there really is an influence of work on death you won’t see the real impact on the relative life expectancies until the generation of men and women who worked during these more enlightened times start to die off in numbers.

So had USA Today wanted to peel even the first layer of this data and ask some questions they might have titled their article “CHANGING WORK NARROWS GENDER LIFE GAP”.

But don’t hold your breath waiting for that article. I don’t blame USA Today – their audience has the attention span of a mayfly, has been brought up on a diet of simplicity and pre-digested facts, and doesn’t want to be bothered with inconvenient uncertainty. Much better to serve them a simple fact-conclusion combination with no side of debate. It’s just worrying that this is the level of thinking which is drip-fed to a population which we then expect to go out and vote, based on painting-by-numbers conclusions, hand-fed to them by a liberal press.

In the meantime I intend to go out and have a hearty breakfast of bacon and eggs. I might die sooner, but that will be good for the statistics. USA Today will, I am sure, applaud my selfless efforts on behalf of women everywhere.

Copyright © 2012 Edward Bison

Decline and Fall

It is hard for anyone who has watched TV in this country recently to argue that there hasn’t been a “dumbing down” of America. Channels which had names that incorporated words like Discovery, Learning, Geographic and History, now dispense a seemingly endless supply of reality TV pap. Just when you think the bar cannot be lowered any further, a new show emerges to make you despair for the future of civilization in the United States.

Of course you can argue that it’s not the TV companies’ fault – they are in business to make money, which they make by selling advertising, and which they can only make money selling if they keep their viewer numbers high. So the thesis goes that they only show crap because the American public will only watch crap. Crap sells.

All great civilizations pass through a “decline and fall” period on their way to historical oblivion. Few would recognize the great civilization of ancient Greece in the indebted, rudderless mess that is modern day Greece. And the fearsome empire of ancient Rome is in no way reflected in modern Italy, lurching from one dysfunctional and corrupt government to another. The British Empire long ago disintegrated, and the country seems determined to complete the transformation into irrelevant backwater, selling off its industry, opening the doors to millions of immigrants and outsourcing all important decisions to unelected bureaucrats in Brussels.

So it should come as no surprise that the United States, having peaked as a world power, is now entering its decline phase. The question, really, is “how far and how fast?” Countries decline from the inside out; before they can be overcome by external forces they must first destroy themselves internally. That destruction is driven by people. People can make a country great, if led effectively, but they will also bring it to its knees, when forces of laziness, greed and irresponsibility are left to run rampant.

The direction of the United States is driven by elections, and election results are largely driven by the will of the people (as manipulated by political campaigns, and somewhat corrupted by the constantly-denied tendencies of liberal street operatives to falsify voting). So it stands to reason that crappy politics results to some extent from stupid people. And that brings us back to reality TV: If the people who watch Jersey Shore, Toddlers in Tiaras, shows about fat people, shows about hoarders, shows about clamping, shows about storage auctions and shows about all the other freaks and weirdos who just became eligible for their fifteen minutes of fame, are allowed to vote, is it any surprise that we are in the mess that we are?

What’s more, it’s only going to get worse. Stupid people are breeding at a rate which far exceeds that of bright people. And to make matters worse, far from attempting to overcome this, we are actually subsidizing and encouraging it.

Sensible members of the “working” or “lower middle” classes make decisions about how many kids to have, based in part on the knowledge that they will have to pay to raise them. Not only do members of the non-working class (an increasingly large segment of society that has no expectation of having to work in order to eat) not have to pay for their (frequently) out of wedlock babies, but we actually encourage their breeding by providing free accommodation, food and other benefits “for the well being of the infant”. Stupid teenagers without the common sense, intelligence or education to add value to any employer, and without the “get up and go” to get work, simply have to have some babies and their income is assured, for zero work. More babies equals more income.

The babies they produce are, not surprisingly, of the same stupid, feckless ilk as their parent(s). Whether you believe in nature or nurture it doesn’t really matter; they’re fucked either way. They are raised by lazy parents who, in spite of having no job to go to, fail to spend time teaching their kids to read, disciplining them or preparing them to participate in a civilized society. Stupid DNA, combined with negligent parenting, pretty much condemns us to support yet another litter of worthless individuals. The fact that they breed in many cases before the legal age of consent only exacerbates the problem, with families turning out two generations of parasites in the time it takes productive families to produce one.

This growing underclass of non-productive people clearly has no interest in voting for more responsibility, or less hand-outs, and spends an inordinate amount of time watching TV and coveting what others had to work hard to earn over years. Hence the growing pressure to “redistribute” wealth from those who produced it to the massive underclass of those who did not, and who in many cases have done nothing but suck on the teat of the government since the day they were born.

Left wing politicians, who merely have to acquire the votes of a majority of anyone with a pulse who can be persuaded to vote (either in person, or through a liberal street operative who will do it for them), pander to this envy-driven sentiment, and consistently fail to place any responsibility for poverty at the feet of those who really caused it.

Meanwhile, the liberal media, who have an almost unassailable grip on the diet of information fed to the American people, will vilify and cast as an extremist anyone who dares to poke the sacred cow of welfare and social redistribution. So we go along, pretending that this sad state of affairs isn’t real, while the cancer of the parasitic underclass grows to the point where it will no longer be politically possible to make any changes, at least up to the point where the decline within this country has become so apparent that it is too late. When the IOUs that we write to cover the real costs of this feckless and reckless social policy come due, when we become a larger and more destitute version of Greece, then maybe the liberal media might be expected to open their eyes to the massive lies being fed to America.

Don’t hold your breath. Responsibility and accountability aren’t trending on the web, but I’ll bet Snooki’s wedding is. Just keep digging into your pocket to pay for the kids who will be voting to take more of your money away a few years from now.

Copyright © 2012 Edward Bison

Joining a Gym

Now that my carcass is pretty much relocated to Chicago it’s time to join a new gym. This seems like it would be easy – just find something between work and home, closer to home (for weekend workouts), with decent equipment and a monthly fee that won’t bankrupt me.

I tried out the local Ballys, which was characterized by sweaty lowlife who don’t wipe down the equipment or replace the plates on the weight machines. At least it was convenient and cheap(ish), though, so I considered joining. Mrs Bison suggested I look online for a deal. “They always have deals online” she opined, with the sure and certain insight of someone who has never actually joined a gym.

So I looked online and found the $19.99 a month*, $0 enrollment fee* offer. Did you spot the * sign? That means “restrictions apply”. If you click on the restrictions you will find the following text:

Offer Restrictions
One Club Easy Monthly Payment Plan Membership: No Enrollment Fee. First monthly payment of $19.99 to $29.99 (rate varies based on location selected), plus $29 card fee due at time of joining, then $19.99 to $29.99 per month as long as you remain a member. Monthly payments are subject to increase as stated in your Membership Agreement. A prorated usage fee through first scheduled payment date may be added. An annual fee of $19 or $29 may be charged to your provided account in December of each year. Annual fee varies by market. Recurring Credit Card (RCC) transactions only. Sales Tax not included (where applicable.)

I think I may have commented before that gym chains are usually cheating scum who want nothing more than to separate you from your hard-earned with visions of six-pack abs and spotless facilities, so this information hardly comes as a surprise.

First point – you can only pay by Recurring Credit Card transaction. Good luck cancelling that if you want to leave. Think you can contact the card provider? Think again – you signed an agreement with the gym, and they can keep debiting your card until you cancel with THEM. LA Fitness seems to have a particular penchant for “losing” cancellations that haven’t been sent via certified mail, if you look at their reputation on the web.

Note that there’s a $29 card fee at time of joining. So there’s $0 of enrollment fee, but you have to pay a $29 card fee, and you can only pay by card. If that’s not an “enrollment fee” what the fuck is it? Calling it a card fee is simply hiding the charge. Note also that you can be charged the fee every year in December if they feel like it. And that your fees may increase when they feel like it, according to an agreement which is referenced but not included in the small print. You should ALWAYS read the small print in agreement because therein lies the truth about how you’ll get fucked later, and you may as well be prepared.

To be fair to Ballys (though I’m not sure why, since they can’t be bothered to make slimy people carry a towel in their gym) their people did not have the “what can I do to get you in this car today” approach that the wankers at LA Fitness had, but my reaction when I see businesses try and hide charges and “cheat” in a small way is to assume that they would, by extension, be quite happy to cheat you in a big way later, and that hardly makes you want to give them your credit card now, does it?

Still, for anyone naive enough to believe what gyms tell you BEFORE you join, why not check out the satisfied customers with LA Fitness Problems as highlighted by ConsumerAffairs.com. You might end up with six-pack abs, but your wallet will look like a steroid boy’s wedding tackle.

On Yer Bike

Want to know what pisses me off? I don’t mean the whole list, you understand. Not even a subset of the list, really. No, just the most recent entry. It’s cyclists. Fucking ladyboys in lycra weaving in and out of traffic like accidents are just something that happens to other people. There I was, driving home in Chicago traffic, trying not to run over the dayglo lycra-clad wanker to the right of me. At the stop sign I pulled forward, behind the car at the line, and two more gayboy cyclists cut in front of me and shot through the junction.

What is it with cyclists that makes them think they’re so much more important than anyone else on the road. They exude that smug “I’m a more righteous road user than you” attitude, which would be bad enough by itself, but when you roll in that hideous uniform, shrink-wrapping their junk in brightly colored shorts, the urge to drive over one is almost irresistible. There was a bloke in the UK recently who chased and ran over a cyclist who’d knocked into his car, killing him. He got life. Life? Fuck me, more like justifiable homicide.

Leaving aside the stupid clothes for a moment, don’t you just hate that “Now I’m traffic, now I’m not” bullshit that cyclists pull? When they’re riding along the road you have to treat them like another road-user, swerving to avoid them as they wander all over the place, because heaven forbid that you actually hit one. Shame on you, not yielding to this uber-important and fragile fellow traveler. But as soon as there’s any kind of impediment – stop sign, traffic light, you name it – they suddenly cease to be a road-user. “Those silly rules don’t apply to me. I’m going to ride on the pavement, run the red light, cut in front of the car and fail to stop at the stop sign.” Then, once they’re past the obstruction it’s right back to blocking your way and insisting that you yield to them. They’re wankers, end of.

Now if I decide to have a little race with the car next to me, plod will have me in handcuffs before you can say “Rodney King”, but wanky cyclists race along the road or sidewalk just as they please and nothing is ever done about them. Frankly, I’d lock the fuckers up just for the crime of shaving their legs, and it would serve them right if someone tattooed a pair of tits on their back and made them their prison wife as a result.

That cunt Lance Armstrong has a lot to answer for…

Airline Taking The Piss

The list of things that are a pain in the arse when flying is a long one, made ever longer by the almost unbelievable arrogance of semi-literate so-called security personnel, who have barely graduated from flipping burgers but now have a bright blue TSA uniform, which apparently comes complete with a lobotomy and a massive ego infusion. It’s a pain in the arse getting to the airport, parking at the airport, checking in, shuffling through the security lines, being ordered to perform completely different but equally useless routines in the interests of “security”, traipsing through crappy lounges, consuming overpriced and shitty food and eventually boarding an outdated plane, staffed by surly and ancient flight attendants, determined to get through the flight with the minimum of actual effort, on the basis that they are there “primarily for your security”, i.e. to order you around rather than serve you.

That said, airlines are constantly on the lookout for new ways to fuck with you in-flight, hence the much-heralded decision by All Nippon Airlines to introduce women-only toilets on their planes. It’s bad enough already trying to take a piss on a plane. For a start they don’t want you getting up until well after take-off and they make you sit down more than half an hour before landing, for no fucking good reason. In between time, if you’re not in an aisle seat, good fucking luck getting up, crawling over your corpulent seatmate, getting past the cart in the aisle and getting through the line at the toilet before the seatbelt sign comes on and some miserable flight attendant bitch, made bitter by getting fucked all ways by pilots for forty years and never marrying one, orders you back to your seat.

There are never enough toilets on planes, largely because seats can be sold, whereas toilets are a non-revenue generating waste of space. (Unless you’re that Ryanair wanker who wants to charge for their use.) Taking one of these rare and sacred appliances and turning it over for the exclusive use of women makes no fucking sense.

Apparently the airline did a survey, and women identified dedicated toilets as their number two need (number two – geddit?) right after desserts. (Here’s a thought ladies – if you spent a little less time hitting the desserts you might not have to spend quite so much time in the can.) Why is this? There was some mumbling about men leaving the seat up, or leaving a mess, but I could just as easily complain that they leave the seat down, and what’s more, I am reliably informed that women’s public toilets are by far in worse state than men’s, due in no small part to women’s unwillingness to actually sit on the seat, preferring to spray indiscriminately from a great height.

What pisses me off most is that this is a typical double-standard. If men were granted dedicated urinals on planes there’d be a fucking outcry, with women picketing the airline’s offices and N.O.W. lezzas in full warcry. Besides, regardless of the cause, it’s simply a fact that there are more men flying in business class than women. Always. And there aren’t enough bogs to go around now, so how does it make sense to dedicate one to the two women flying?

Actually I’d suggest that men-only toilets would make a lot more sense. Many’s the time I’ve taken the overnight flight to Europe, where you arrive at around 7am, ready to work a full day. You try and sleep on the plane as long as possible, meaning that ideally you wake up, take a piss and land. But the chances are that one of the two women in business class will scuttle into the toilet clasping her make-up bag and then you can forget about anyone else having access for the rest of the flight. The bitch will be in there for twenty minutes, making herself “presentable”, and emerging just in time for the wizened old flight attendant to order you back to your seat. Again.

The rule should be “The toilet is for piss, shit, and, maybe, just maybe, cleaning your teeth. For anything else please wait until you fucking land. Bitch.”

Of course I’m expecting that the dickheads that All Nippon Airlines did just as good a job polling men on what would make their flight more enjoyable. If so, I shall look forward to the cigar bar, extensive range of scotch, free blow job and full English breakfast on my next flight. Yeah right…

Copyright © 2010 Edward Bison

Join The Club

I’ve often thought that bringing up kids was the ultimate opportunity for the exercise of simple common sense. So much of what is wrong with kids (especially other people’s kids, you understand) comes down to the feckless stupidity and lack of discipline of their parents; surely all you have to do is play the game straight and everything will come out right. Right?

Well, it’s now time for Bison Daughter’s twelfth birthday, and the thing she wants most is a phone. Not really to talk to anyone, just for the texting. All her friends have phones, and they sit there on the school bus, texting each other. There’s absolutely no point to it, of course. They have nothing to say, and I cannot see the point in expending $150 on a phone and a further $20-40 a month on a plan simply so that Bison Daughter can recede into a sad world of “CU L8R” or whatever meaningless drivel it is that passes between preteen girls as an alternative to actual conversation.

It’s a no-brainer really. I mean, I didn’t get a mobile phone until I got a sales job at the age of twenty four, and that was a car phone which had some apparatus the size of a four-slot toaster in the trunk, so it wasn’t really “mobile” in that sense. Since when did it become an imperative that all our offspring have a mobile phone? Since phone companies figured out that they could sell them ringtones, wallpaper and no end of expensive and worthless downloads, that’s when.

The problem is that, shite and worthless though the phone-text traffic is, that’s the only means of communication kids seem to have now. They don’t talk to each other – I don’t believe most of them could hold a conversation if their phone depended on it – so if you’re not part of the texting network then you’re likely an outcast. No parent wants their kid to be left out; teenage girls have cruelty and exclusion down to an art form – I think it gives them something to do in between pulling the wings off insects and torturing small mammals – and being different is just an invitation to exclusion.

So much as I relish the thought of knocking down the “all my friends have one” argument with some tried and tested parental reasoning like “well, if all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you do it too?” I know that at some point, eventually, I’m going to break down and get my kid a phone too. Which is a sad indictment of the society in which we live, isn’t it? Parents go off to work, and spend way too many hours there, trying to make enough money to pay all the bills, including the mobile phone, while their kids sit around like little vegetables, only able to communicate at all by typing partial words and sub-sentences into their little reality-avoidance machines.

If we hadn’t persuaded ourselves that we needed all this shit in the first place we could work less and spend more time with the people we purported to love. Applying the simple principles of common sense to raising them, so they didn’t grow up to be dysfunctional freaks with social alienation disorders and an inability to relate to other humans, or cope with delayed gratification. Yeah right. LOL to that.

Copyright © 2010 Edward Bison

It’s Airline Rules Silly Season Again…

I read with dismay the details of the latest attempt by a self-proclaimed al-Quaida terrorist to bring down a US-bound airliner. My dismay does not arise, however, from the fear that I will become the victim of another such atrocity, but from the sure and certain knowledge that this incident will precipitate another round of bizarre, pointless and irritating “additional security measures” from the brainless pricks at the TSA and the airlines.

This Nigerian wanker had not even been charged and there were already reports of important new measures being introduced to ensure our greater security in the air, among them:

  • Passengers to be confined to their seats for an hour prior to landing.
  • Passengers to be forbidden from having anything on their laps (such as, for instance, a laptop)
  • Passengers to be discouraged from bringing on any carry-on bags
  • Passengers to be prevented from accessing their carry-on bags during the flight

Now I would like to point out that the felon in this case had a bomb strapped to his leg, which he apparently attempted to detonate when the plane was coming in to land. It wasn’t in his carry-on, or on his lap. He didn’t get up and get it out of his bag – it was strapped to his fucking leg from the moment he got on the plane. The salient point here is that someone managed to get explosives through security because security is designed not to detect explosives but to prevent you from taking nail clippers, shampoo or bottles of water onto the flight.

Yeah, if Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab had attempted to smuggle any shaving cream onto the plane then he’d have been in big shit, but it was only explosives, so he was OK.

So yet again the TSA, in a belated attempt to be seen to be doing something (anything) responds to a problem with a set of entirely unrelated measures, certain that the renewed misery and inconvenience visited upon the traveling public will be interpreted as a sign of vigilance, and that no-one’s complaints will even be considered because this is “an issue of airline security”. In other words, a reason to suspend common sense and all join in the pathetic charade of lining up and allowing ourselves to be treated like shit.

For a start, what is the point of confining people to their seats for the last hour of the flight? Surely that just means that any future explosion will be attempted while the plane is still at 30,000ft. Do you really believe that will cause al-Quaida to think again? “Oh shit! We can’t blow up any more planes because we have to sit in our seats prior to landing. Confound these infidels and their regulatory trickery!”

Did anyone bother to note that theft from checked bags in airports has reached endemic levels? Did you know that it is reported to be up 50% in 2009? It is not safe to check ANY item of value because of the hard to detect and, (thanks to their union) impossible to fire, criminals who infiltrate the ranks of baggage screeners and TSA officials. So if you can’t carry on a bag and are forced to check it, who stands behind you when (not “if”, you will note) your valuables are stolen? Not the airline, that’s for sure; they will quote their terms of carriage, disavow any liability and leave you on your own to file a report with the airport police and kiss your possessions goodbye forever. (See WSJ article HERE.)

So if you can’t carry anything onto the plane because it’s a “security risk” and you can’t check it because there are so many organized thieves in baggage handling and “we cannot be responsible for any losses” what fucking use is an airplane ride? The TSA even boasts that their rules are not consistent, as they are designed to confuse potential terrorists. Really? Seems like they’re designed to piss off travelers and yet again provide the pretense of action in the face of political paralysis.

Anyone notice that the screeners at O’Hare used to demand that you put your shoes directly on the belt? If you put them in a tray they would make you take them out. Until last week, when suddenly, for no accountable reason, trays were OK again, just like they are at every other fucking airport. If you couldn’t x-ray shoes through a tray I could understand the issue, but that can’t be the case, otherwise every other airport in the world wouldn’t be wasting their time making us take off our shoes and put them in a tray, would they? So if there’s absolutely no security value, why can’t they at least be consistent, and sensible?

Don’t waste time stopping frequent fliers from accessing their laptops during a flight, and don’t prevent people from taking a piss for an hour before landing. It is an insult to our intelligence when I see people in loose-fitting clothing, or apparently obese people, waltzing through security with enough room on their person to conceal any number of bombs, and no-one is taking the time to pat them down. How about starting with anyone in a hijab? Fuck their human rights – why should their right to dress funny trump our right to live. It’s not like there’s any debate that al-Quaida is an Islamic terrorist organization is there?

If this Nigerian twat smuggled a powder-based bomb through security under his clothing then come up with something to address the real threat, like explosive detection, or pat-downs of all people on a terrorist watch-list, and not a knee-jerk set of pointless rules in a pathetic attempt to divert our attention and make all the sheep believe that “something is being done”.

I won’t be holding my breath. I just plan to show up at the airport next week in a Speedo. “Is that an explosive device, sir, or are you just pleased to see me?”

Copyright © 2009 Edward Bison

Fix It First

Hey, here’s a novel idea. Instead of increasing taxes on the wealthy, why not just collect the tax that’s already owed? Obastard doesn’t seem to be able to swing a cat without hitting senior Democrats who haven’t paid their taxes, and they all earn a shitload more than me. And these are the alleged intellectual “cream” – the people we’re supposed to embrace as new cabinet members.

The problem with taxes is that they’re all done on the honor system. People like me, who pay our taxes honestly so we can sleep easy at night, are subsidizing scum like this crowd (and Wesley Snipes) who seem to reason (apparently correctly) that the very worst that will happen if they cheat and get caught is that they’ll be asked to pay up. Eventually. The IRS even does deals with tax cheats so they can pay less than what they owe.

How about bulking up IRS enforcement and making people pay the tax they already owe, before increasing taxes that will only be paid by those of us honest enough not to cheat? It shouldn’t be hard to scrape up a few billion – just start with an audit of everyone who donated to the Obama campaign. Unfortunately “Increasing The Number Of Tax Inspectors” doesn’t strike the same populist note as “Taxing The Rich”, so don’t hold your breath…

Whose Fucking Money Is It?

What the fuck is wrong with politicians? Here we are in the middle of a fucking recession, with the US government running a giant deficit and adding to it with $800 billion in unfunded “stimulus” spending (AKA giveaways to losers), and what do I read today? Hilary fucking Clinton is going to give another $900 million of US taxpayers’ money to the fucking Palestinians in Gaza.

Listen, bitch, it’s not your money to give. If people want to pay for the fucking Palestinians to rebuild their country then by all means let them give their money, but who the fuck appointed you to give my money away to a bunch of fucking foreign wankers who repeatedly fire rockets at the bloody Israelis and then seem surprised when they get bombed in return. Fucking politicians can’t stop themselves spreading around other people’s money with the abandon of an incontinent dog spraying fire hydrants, even as more and more of the banking system seems poised to collapse.

Why not use the money to build some roads here, repair some of our bridges, or even, heaven forbid, reduce the fucking tax burden on those of us who earned the fucking money in the first place. You vacuous fucking bitch.

The Lunatics And The Asylum

It would be funny, if it weren’t so sad, that so many stupid people here in the US believe that it’s the Government that will solve the problems of the economy and lead us all to a bright financial future. Let’s leave aside for a moment the oft-repeated assertion that governments can’t create economic growth, they can only facilitate it by creating the right environment for the market to work. More often, of course, they fuck it up most comprehensively by waggling all sorts of economic levers which they don’t understand and following a set of dogmatic principles that have nothing to do with growth and everything to do with wealth redistribution or social policy.

It was Winston Churchill, one of the greatest men ever to have lived, who pointed out that “The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries.” You could see that immediately in the Obastardization of the so-called stimulus package and the idiot’s subsequent tax policy – never mind about creating more wealth, let’s just make sure we grab from those who earned and give to those who didn’t.

But regardless of your politics, left or right, I simply don’t understand how people can possibly believe that the government is effective at anything. This applies to governments of either party here in the States – after all, it’s mostly the same cast of characters in Congress, and the same millions of useless bureaucrats who administer policy, no matter who’s in office.

Just take something simple like the switch to digital TV. The February 17 date for the switch was set years ago. Since then TV stations have been required by statute to devote endless hours to reminding us that all our aerial TVs would stop working on that date if we didn’t have a digital one, or buy a converter box. Everything was rolling to this date, and then what happened? A twat got elected and decided to postpone the change, ostensibly because people weren’t ready. Weren’t ready? Are you shitting me? Having been prodded and reminded of this for literally years, having put up with inane and repetitive commercials on TV, endless discussion on the radio and reminders at every turn, some people aren’t ready. Well fuck ’em.

There’s only two types of people not ready – those who couldn’t be bothered and those who couldn’t afford a converter box. The government already spent millions in free vouchers for the converters; what’s next? Are we going to impose a new TV tax on anyone earning over $100k per year so we can buy a new flat screen for every lazy tosser out there who devotes their welfare check to methamphetamine and cheap beer? The point is, though, that there will always be people not ready; delaying the switch won’t change a single thing, other than fucking up everyone’s plans for the changeover. It’s like having Y2K and then deciding it should be in March because some people didn’t pay attention.

This is the big difference between businesses and government. Both are capable of fucking up. When a business fucks up it loses money, or goes bust. When government fucks up it just takes more of our money away from us. When a business encounters hard times it reduces costs; government just looks to increase taxes or borrow more. Check out California – they’ve run out of other people’s money but they won’t cut any of their “sacred cow” excessive spending. When businesses treat their customers like shit they go somewhere else; governments routinely treat people like shit, providing a level of service that would be laughable in the private sector. (Just head down to your local DMV office if you are in any doubt.) But customers don’t have a choice.

In the real world businesses dismiss employees who don’t work hard, who steal or who treat customers badly. What do you think the turnover in the public sector is? How many lazy, failing teachers get dismissed every year do you think? How many rude and incompetent DMV administrators? How many corrupt local officials? The very thing that makes businesses deal with their problems (the knowledge that someone else is trying hard to make their customers leave them) is the discipline missing from government. Nothing gets better because no-one’s arse is on the line if it doesn’t.

Amazon managed to build a world-class supply chain infrastructure that can get you just about anything you want to your door tomorrow. The government spends billions and can’t even get a digital TV switch to happen on time.

So why can’t the government run anything efficiently? Could it be because so few people in government ever had to run anything in the real world? People were surprised at the chaos in post-hurricane New Orleans but what do you expect of the leadership at the top of every government organization is a political appointee whose major qualifications probably come down to the quantity of political dick they’ve sucked over the years. Out in the real world, real people in businesses make a living providing a product or service that people want, with the discipline of knowing that customers can leave. That means you have to manage costs aggressively, innovate, invest wisely and provide the kind of service that makes people want to buy from you again.

There are millions of managers and directors who have learned how to do this. But who do we see running the country? Wankers like Obama who never ran anything in their lives, who couldn’t be trusted to run a fucking lemonade stand. If you walk around Congress and peek inside the offices of the elected representatives you will see that most of their staff are about twenty three years old, straight out of college, never worked a day in the real world, and are immediately immersed in the bizarre parallel universe of politics, where letting people keep more of the money they earned is considered a “gift” by the government, and taking my money simply to give to people who didn’t earn it is somehow not seen as “expropriation” or “theft”.

Yet people persist in expecting this cast of clowns, from both parties, to magically fix the economy. Would you trust a surgeon who never trained but spent their entire life working backroom deals and making speeches to remove your appendix? I think not. The very best we can hope for from government is that they create the conditions for economic growth, and that means incentives for private investment and tax policies that encourage success. What we’re seeing instead is Obastard’s paymasters on the left rifling the pockets of the economy while it’s flat on its back, shamelessly taking money they didn’t earn to hand out to those who didn’t work hard enough or behave prudently enough, along with a sickening cast of left wing interest groups.

Stimulus package my arse.

Copyright © 2009 Edward Bison