Category Archives: Swearing

What The F—

Today was Bison Daughter’s dance recital; she had to be at the show early so Mrs Bison took her, and I went along later. After the show she wanted to drive home with Dad, so I put her in the front seat of the truck as a treat, since she’s probably big enough now. As we were driving home a twat in a Toyota Sequoia cut me off; with my little girl beside me I could neither swear at him or utilize the appropriate hand signals, so I resorted to mouthing the words in the hope that the twat was looking in his rearview mirror.

Later at home, with Bison Daughter still in her Nutcracker Suite costume and make-up, we were sitting at the table when she explained to Mrs Bison that there had been this man who Daddy had got angry with.

“I think he said fuck” she stated, in a perfectly polite voice.

Bear in mind that we have been at pains to avoid teaching our daughter any of the really bad (good?) swearwords, and we had no idea that she knew this word yet. Mrs Bison looked at me balefully, as if to say “how could you have taught our little girl that word?”

I was quick to realize that, bright as my daughter may be, she would not likely be able to lipread a word she didn’t already know, so I asked how she learned it.

“At soccer” she replied, meaning my indoor soccer games, which she watches sometimes, “Chris is always saying it.”

That much is true. Chris, a fuckwit who should know better, thinks nothing of talking loudly after the game about the “fucking referee”, the “fucking goal” or the “fucker” who tackled him. Bison Daughter never reacted to the word, never showed any indication that she had heard it and never asked about it, but clearly she had filed it away for future reference.

OK, so I was off the hook as the source of the new word, but now we had to make sure she didn’t use it again. Mrs Bison told her in a very severe voice that this was not a word we ever wanted to hear from her again.

“OK” said Bison Daughter. Then, as an apparent afterthought, she said “Cock”.

I’m sorry, I know I should have kept a straight face, but her comic timing was impeccable – you had to be there to appreciate it. I about fell off my chair. On the one hand it may be appalling that she knows words like that, but on the other hand she knows how to use them sparingly and appropriately, to great comedic effect. (And, fortunately, only at home.)

The good news is she didn’t notice that according to me the bloke in the Toyota was also a wanker…

Copyright © 2008 Edward Bison


I happened to notice that this will be the three-hundredth entry in Mr Bison’s Journal, and I thought this momentous event should be in some way celebrated. So how to mark such an occasion? Start an original meme perhaps? Look back on the highlights of the last 299 posts? Or reflect on how writing this journal has changed my life? Yeah right. Since this site has always been based on a healthy foundation of cynicism and profanity (admittedly mostly profanity) there would be no better way to mark the three hundredth post than by listing three hundred bad words. Mrs Bison said it couldn’t be done, but with the benefit of poetic license and a wasted childhood (and without cheating on the internet) we came up with the following:

Anal anus arse arsehole arseholed arsebiscuit arsewipe arselicker arse-kisser arse-invader arsefucker arse-grapes assbag assclown assmunch baby-gravy backdoor balls ballsack bastard bellend bitch blowjob bloody bleeding boner boning bone-on bonk bonk-on bonking box box-off browneye brownhatter bugger buggered buggering bollocks bullshit bum bumhole buttplug cameltoe chubblies clap clit clitty clittylicker clodge clunge clusterfuck cock cockbreath cockmunch cockmuncher cocksucker cocksucking crap crapper crapping cretin cum cumshot cumbreath cumstain cunt cuntbreath cuntbubble cunt-like-a-bucket cuntyballs deepthroat dick dickhead dickwad dickstream dickbreath dickcheese dildo dirt-denter dogfucker doggystyle dogging dogsbollocks dominatrix dong faggot fanny fanny-batter felch felching fellate fart fartbreath fetish fingering fist fisting fist-fuck flaps flapshots fluffer foreskin frig frigging frottage frotting furburger fuck fuck-off fucked fucking fucker fuckbuddy fuckhole fuckwad fuckstain fuckstick fuckflaps fuck-a-doodle-doo fuckwit fuckwitted motherfucker motherfucking gash gayboy gloryhole gobbler golden-shower hamburger-shot handjob hand-shandy hand-solo happysack hard-on helmet helmet-cheese homo hump humping jackoff jam-rag jerk jerkoff jerkwad jizm jizz jizzwad jizzstain jubblies lezbo lezza lickout longdongsilver lovespuds lovetunnel love-truncheon man-mess mams masturbate masturbation melons milf minge money-shot muff muffdiver mutton-dagger nads nadbags nadsack nancyboy needle-dick nips nob nobcheese nobhead nob-rot onanist panstain pearl-necklace pencil-dick penis pillowbiter pinkmeat piss pisser pissed pissflaps piss-stain pissing pisspot pods ponce poof pooftah porksword porno prat prick prong pubes puff-hole pussy pussyjuice quim queef rimming rumphumper scrotum scrotum-pole scrote scrote-bag semen semen-stain slag smeg smeghead smegging shag shagging shagger shagged sheepshagger shit shits shithead shiteater shitfaced shitstain shit-for-brains shitter shitting shitstabber shirtlifter sphincter sixty-nine skidmark skinflute skullfuck slut snatch sod sodding sodomy sodomize sodomite spam-ram spanky spanking spankmag spaz spazwit spunk spunkbag spunkbubble spunkrag spunkstain spunkbreath stiffy stringpuller subdom suck-off suckjob suck’n’fuck tart tatty-water threeway tits titjob tit-roll titties titfuck titwank toss tosser tosspot tossrag tug soapytitwank teabagging trousersnake twat turd turdbrain turd-burglar vag vibrator vinegar-strokes vulva wang wanger wank wanker wanking wanked wankjob wankmag wankstain wide-on whack-off whore womb-broom woody.

Since it’s nearly the end of the year, when bloggers everywhere start discussing their new year’s resolutions, perhaps you might resolve to use ten of the above words in conversation next year. Or maybe you could just use them to enliven the family Christmas dinner.

“Hey Grandma! Would you pass the motherfucking cranberry sauce please?”

Feel free to contribute your own – I’m always happy to enrich my vocabulary. Plus, I’m fucked if I know what I’ll do when I get to four hundred…

Copyright © 2008 Edward Bison

Bad To The Bone

Many thanks to Rima Fauzi for informing me that Mr Bison’s Journal scores “NC-17” on the “blog naughtiness” rating scale at this site that she found. Apparently I earned this rating by virtue of the bad words I used, which include:

13 fuckings
7 deaths
5 fucks
4 cunts
3 dicks
2 craps
1 anal

and a partridge in a pear tree. Or something like that. Of course my rating did raise a few questions. Firstly, did I score the top ranking possible? I mean, I’d be disappointed if I effectively got a rating of “not offensive enough – must try harder”. I tested this by checking out the ratings of a couple of porn sites that I’ve never been to but heard about once from a man I never met before in a pub that I can’t remember the name of. In spite of having lots of words that I’d apparently overlooked, such as sexy, sluts, cum, cock and porn, they also only scored NC-17. (Of course I haven’t overlooked those words now – I assume I’ll be credited for them when I publish this post.)

I also checked out my old sparring partner, Jaggy, just to see how he scored. Suffice it to say that he had three shits and a pussy that I’d also not got on my list. Until now.

Next question: am I not getting credit for my wide variety of British vulgarity? What about my wanker, bollocks, bloody and bugger? How about cockmuncher and arsehole? And since when did death become a bad word? Fuck’s sake! Don’t stop breathing or you might die and go to hell – that’s two more words that’ll get you in trouble. Much better to pass away and go to a better place. Just don’t bequeath your money to your pussy cat or your best friend, Dick.

Of course the true test of offensiveness is not the words you use but the ideas you convey with them. By this test I’d be “dodgy” if I said “crap” but quite OK if I suggested that you amuse yourself by rubbing a horse’s dangly parts until it drenches your face with its love glue (or something similarly disturbing) since there’s not one rude word involved. Personally, I think that scores more than three shits two craps and an anal put together.

I know this is only a “toy” and not designed to really weed out “adult” themed websites. I mean, you can do a lot to offend people with words but nothing quite says “NC-17” like a picture of a fully grown man shagging a goat, and it’s worth noting that scores a General Audience rating. Even so, I’m proud to be flying the flag for our rich and descriptive language. And if you don’t like it you can gosh darn well go to heck, don’t you know. There, I said it.

Copyright © 2008 Edward Bison

On The F Scale

This has been a hard week. In the past I would have based this purely on subjective things like how tired I felt, or looked, or how long I worked. But everyone knows that stress is the real determinant of whether you had a hard week or not and I am now able to measure my stress on the F-scale.

Read Mr Bison’s Journal for the rest of this sweary story…or can you even watch a cartoon Mr Bison perform here


Foreign Cuntry:Mr Bison’s Journal, one of the top humor books of 2012

Anyone who’s read a few of these posts has figured out by now that I like to use bad words from time to time. I’ve heard it said that swearing is a sign of a limited vocabulary. This is clearly complete bollocks. The non-swearer has a huge range of words at his or her disposal. I, by comparison, have that same range of words plus all my favorites such as fuck, shit, wank, twat and prick. Hurray!

Continue the sweary adventure in Mr Bison’s Journal, one of the top humor books of 2012